Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
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When ur friends with white people
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers