imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
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If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.