WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
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If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.