A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
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Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
emergency phone
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.