DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
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*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship