When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂