My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
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I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
stop
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
They got a point!
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe