Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
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Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪