Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.