if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
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i’m still crying at this
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
how to have an accident 101
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
This fish is cracking me up
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.