I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
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if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head