me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
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Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!