Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
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Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
japanese corn
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.