The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.