Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
You Might Also Like
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!