you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
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Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My dad.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.