Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
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Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
any last words?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals