Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
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We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.