[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
new year update: losing everything but weight
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.