I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
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“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
The devil.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.