I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*