This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
also my go-to takeaway order
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*