How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
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With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.