coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
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People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.