pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
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My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
they finally got him. they got macavity
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.