stand with me against insufficient seating
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I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Where’s my employee discount too?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.