Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
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GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.