“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school