wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
There’s only one good girl here!
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow