Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.