Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
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me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you