me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
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Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.