Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
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*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
there’s probably a fee though
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Aight bet
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
April 1st is the class clown of days.