Morning my dudes.
You Might Also Like
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.