count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
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Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
he was correct
Leaving the Barbers like
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.