Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
You Might Also Like
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.