he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.