when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
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I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
just leave it at the foot of the bed
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Saw your ex at the shops
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion