Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
You Might Also Like
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Breaking news:
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.