I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
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A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
And bowling should be called pinball
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah