i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
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This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”