DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
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never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena