For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
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I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
If I ignore life will it go away?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
💯😂