Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
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I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Always.
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Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.