I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
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I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Important
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you