[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
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She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good