Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
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On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Isn’t
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes