I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
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So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
When libraries troll their patrons.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?