I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
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Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*launders Kohls cash*
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.