“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.